This isn't just a freakshow...

Hello.

First of all here are three extraordinarily important updates for you:
1) My hair is no longer blonde
2) I have joined the Apple Army by way of an iphone
3) Dancing is the bees knees (but you knew that already)

And now moving swiftly on to the subject of this blog; customers. Despicable, rude, demanding, impatient, condescending and downright fricking annoying customers.

Incident #1
Customer: Hello. I want to bring these earrings back. They hurt my ears.. and look! They've discoloured! (I proceed to inspect the earrings and notice a very very small amount of tarnishing on the loop)
Me: (politely) Do you have a receipt madam?
Customer: (with a guffaw that said 'stupid idiot girl') No!
Me: Ah, okay. Can I ask how much you paid for them?
Customer: (rolling her eyes impatiently) They were five pounds
Me: And how long ago did you buy them?
Customer: with a growl 2 months ago. Is that relevant??
Me: Well, yes. it determines whether the tarnishing is a result of wear or if they were bought in that condition.
Customer: Right. Well I want a refund.
Me: Okay Madam, I'm afraid that's not a lot I can do for you today as it happens. I can see a very minor amount of tarnishing on the metal there but that isn't a manufacturing fault and is in fact just a trait of all cheaper metals.
Customer: But they hurt my ears! And that is a safety complaint!(hackles rising)
Me: Again, the fact that you have suffered discomfort can't be classed as a manufacturing fault or indeed a safety complaint - it is a sign that you are obviously more sensitive to cheaper metals and perhaps should opt for silver or gold plated earrings.
Customer: Are you saying you won't take these back?!?
Me: I'm afraid so yes. But I'd be happy to show you our silver-pla-(interrupted mid flow)
Customer: I KNOW MY RIGHTS AND I INTEND TO HAVE THEM!!! I ABSOLUTELY REFUTE YOUR SUGGESTION THAT I NEED TO SPEND MORE MONEY ON JEWELLERY AND I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!!

Now, gentle reader, you would be forgiven for thinking that my use of capital letters is perhaps a tad melodramatic - a case of artistic license taken too far. I wish that were so. The words were spat at my face with actual real live venom. She ranted. She raved. She went bright red and her eyes were popping out of her sockets. And all for for the sake of a pair of cheap (and extremely ugly) earrings. Freak.

Incident #2
Customer: (approaching me on the shop floor) I want these knickers but I don't want to have to buy both pairs.
Me: (well good morning to you too!) Oh I'm sorry madam but we do only sell that particular knicker in a two pack.
Customer: Well I don't WANT both pairs!
Me: Could we perhaps find you something similar that we sell singly?
Customer: No! I want these EXACT knickers (brandishing them wildly in my face) but I don't want both!
Me: Ah, well then it doesn't seem like there's mu-(interrupted again - they make a habit of that
Customer: It's a CON!!! It's a con! You hear this Harry (waving the knickers hysterically above her head and shrieking at her husband across the shop floor) They're conning us! Conmen! They expect me to buy BOTH PAAAAIRS!!!
Me: Madam, if I could show you these...
Customer: No no no, they're not the same at all!!! They're an off white. I need white.
Me: Okay, how about these...
Customer: No! Entirely different! They have a bow on the front!
Me: How about-
Customer: UUURGH! USELESS GIRL.

And with that she stormed off towards her husband, shouting to him about my blatant inability to help with the 'simplest' enquiry and how the business are manipulating and conning the general public and how she doesn't nkow what's happening to the world these days. Freak.

And last but not least...
Incident #3
Customer: (Mono tonal and moody. Fat and aggressive. pleasant individual she was not) I need to pay my store card bill.
Me: Okay madam, how are you wishing to pay?
Customer: A cheque.
Me: I'm afraid we can't accept payments by cheque in store. You'll have to post it.
Customer: But then it'll be overdue!
Me: I can happily take a cash or debit card payment through the till...
Customer: No. I only want to pay by cheque.
Me: Well, as I said, I'm afraid I can't accept a cheque.
Customer: So what I am supposed to do? (staring daggers at me(
Me: I'd recommend you ring the-(and again with the interrupting)
Customer: I am trying to give you money and you won't accept it!!! I am going to miss my payment date!!! Take my money!
Me: I cannot accept a cheque madam. If you want to take this up with the manager I can call him for you.
Customer: No!! I just want you to take my money as you are supposed to do! This is absolutely bloody ridiculous! I'M GOING TO BE CHARGED INTEREST! (with a dramatic fist-bang on the till-point for good measure)
Me: Unfortunately madam it is your responsibility to keep up to date with payments and to read the terms and conditions set out for you, detailing the appropriate payment methods.
Customer: FOR FUCKS SAAAAAAKE.

She stormed off down the aisle in a truly godzilla-esque manner. She was practically frothing at the mouth. To be frank she was a massive lard-ass chav. Freak.